What I learned from my own “Heart Attack”

RMD cheese

What’s up beautiful people.

 

I am finally back to blogging after taking off for the last month and back on U.S. soil after the last 6.5 months. Needless to say, I have a lotttt to write about. To spare you the trauma of reading everything in one post, I’ll be sharing learnings and insights from my journey in bits and pieces over the next several weeks.

 

As a brief overview for those who may not have been following – I just recently returned to the U.S. after a sabbatical that I took with my company, Deloitte Consulting. Long story short, my journey ended up taking a few unexpected (but amazing) twists and turns which ultimately led me to Florianopolis, Brazil, to work with an organization called Rosemary Dream. I came to Rosemary Dream to serve as a life coach and facilitator for their flagship empowerment program called “Heart Attack.” The name may elicit a bit of a visceral reaction when you first read it but that is exactly the point…

 

We often hear stories of individuals who had a catastrophic event or near death experience in their life that forever changes them. The stories often follow a similar pattern:

 

  • There was a normal life before the event
  • Then the event happens and they have a realization of what is truly important to them
  • They move into the next phase of their life with a new vision and a sense of appreciation and wonder
  • They often look back and recall the challenging situation as “the best thing that ever happened to me”

 

These stories are usually both inspiring and enlightening and I love reading them, but what about those of us who haven’t had an experience like that? And why must we wait until something so dramatic happens before we wake up, realize what is truly important, and take responsibility for our lives?

 

This is why the Heart Attack program exists, the creators wanted to develop a program that yields the same beneficial effects of a near death experience, without having to nearly experience death.

 

I came to Rosemary Dream expecting to help coach the Heart Attack program, offer as much value as possible given my background, and leave with fond memories of the people and the program. Never did I expect to be transformed in the way that I was…

 

Today, I sit here a better man:

 

  • Physically: I feel stronger than I ever have in my entire life
  • Mentally: I feel clear, focused, and motivated to crush my new goals
  • Emotionally: I feel liberated and healed with an improved ability and confidence to handle any situation that comes my way
  • Spiritually: My heart is full. I feel more grateful than I ever have, I feel happier than I have ever been, and there is more love and richness in my life than I have ever experienced

 

I’ll eventually post about some specifics from the program but for the remainder of this post, I want to share 3 key learnings from my experience in Heart Attack. While these may not seem like net-new insights (and while I already rationally understood these points to be true), Heart Attack allowed me to experience them directly and to solidify the learnings deep inside of my heart and mind.

 

  1. There is a direct correlation between challenges/adversity and personal growth/proud moments. It’s interesting – as human beings, we often try to avoid challenging situations or things that scare the absolute shit out of us. We work hard to bring comfort to our lives; just look at 90% of commercials and consumer products, they are all about making life easier – free of challenging situations and void of “bad” emotions. The paradox is that growth and fulfillment doesn’t happen when we stay inside our comfort zones.  Take a moment to think about the things in your life that you are most proud of or recall your biggest accomplishments. I would bet money that the things that come to mind were very challenging for you or scared the shit out of you when you first faced them. Knowing this – WHY IS IT THAT WE STILL AVOID THESE CHALLENGING SITUATIONS WHEN THEY COME?! WHY IS IT THAT WHEN WE FACE ADVERSITY OR WHEN THINGS DON’T GO OUR WAY, WE BECOME IRRATIBLE, SAD, ANGRY, INSECURE, ETC.?!? It’s crazy how the mind works…

 

During this program I was pushed to my limits – I took a silent fast for 4 days and 3 nights in complete isolation with no food or water, I sat hunched over in a Temescal (sweat lodge) for 3 hours where individuals scream, cry, and pee themselves due to the intensity, I partook in Amazonian medicine ceremonies and ran barefoot on the beach as fast as I could for 2.5 hours straight. Earlier in the program, there were many times where in the midst of the experience, I found myself thinking “this sucks” or wishing it would be over soon. This all changed however, when during one particularly tough experience I recalled one of my favorite Bible verses from the book of James. It reads – Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face challenges/trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. In that moment everything clicked, I realized that instead of resisting, I should be grateful for the difficulties and embrace them, knowing that they are building my perseverance and strengthening me. From that moment on, during the most difficult times, I found myself with my head to the sky, saying “thank you” and feeling a deep sense of gratitude for the opportunity to grow.

 

In Heart Attack, when things get intense, rather than back off, we press in. When people hit their breaking point and lash out in anger or break down and weep, we don’t try to “fix” or soften the situation, we embrace it with a “this is amazing” and press in a bit more, trusting that the experience is making us stronger in the long run. At Rosemary, we understand that resistance is the way.

 

So in your life, when you start to feel that fear, that insecurity, or that frustration, that’s a good sign. Step into it, don’t try to avoid it or soften it. Always remember… No pressure, no diamonds 🙂

 

 

 

2. It’s vulnerability, not openness, that truly connects people and breaks barriers. I consider myself a pretty open person and I never mind sharing personal things about myself. In fact, I often use this as a way to connect with others, I’ll share something personal and it makes that person feel safe with me and builds trust. What I realized during my time at Rosemary is that while I would share things that were personal, I rarely shared things that truly made me feel vulnerable. For example, my life story contains a past that was full of trouble and anger. When I share that, people will often say, “wow thanks for sharing that” or “you were brave to share that with the group”  but the truth is, this is wrong. It’s easy for me to be open about those things because they are behind me – I can confidently talk about those experiences because I know that today, I am a totally different person. The result of this openness tends to be a more one-sided connection, where the person I shared with would feel more connected with me than I would with them because while I was being open, I was not being vulnerable.

 

 

But then I had an experience that changed all of that…

 

When I got to Rosemary, the two men I worked most closely with were absolute STUDS. Now, I’m blessed that all of my guy friends are studs but these guys were next level. Tall, athletic, handsome, long hair flowing in the wind, model looking faces and ON TOP of all of that, they were brilliant at what they did – smart, well spoken, caring, and decisive. Alpha’s in every way.

 

When I first started working with them, I knew I loved them, but there was a barrier between us. As I was looking into what this barrier was, I realized it was my own insecurities. I’ve always been pretty confident, but I realized that part of my confidence was propped up on an identity I had built for myself around being “smart”, “athletic”, etc. and when I was faced with these two studs, that identity crumbled underneath my feet and I was left feeling low, questioning my value. (I will definitely be writing an entire post about this experience but for now, all you need to know is that’s how I was feeling.)

 

During the Heart Attack program, we had an activity that was all about breaking personal barriers and facing challenging situations. During this activity, I sat in the center of the circle, looked these two studs in the face, and in front of everyone, got as real as I possibly could have. I talked about my own insecurities around my physical appearance and described how I focused on other things to compensate for those insecurities, I told them that while I loved them, I had experienced thoughts about not wanting to continue to work with them out of fear of being lost in their shadow. I pretty much expressed every challenging thought that went through my head as a result of being around them.

 

The result was profound. First, it was extremely liberating to express how I felt to these guys, and expressing it in front of a larger group was even more empowering because there was nothing left that I was trying to hide – while these thoughts/insecurities never plagued me, they did exist and I judged myself for having them, never wanting anyone to know these thoughts crept into my “strong, positive mind.” Second, and more importantly, was what this vulnerability did for my relationship with stud 1 and stud 2. The next day I had conversations with each of them to talk about what had transpired the previous night. With all of the cards out on the table, both sides felt a much stronger and deeper connection with each other. The studs also shared some of the same insecurities they were feeling when I first came into Rosemary (like I said, the mind can be a real b**ch sometimes). This vulnerability bred a new level of trust and openness in the relationship and I am happy to say that very specifically, from that moment on, our friendship turned into more of a brotherhood that I share with only a few select people.

 

From there I was sold, I saw the value in this real vulnerability and wanted to continue to test it out. I wrote letters to two of my best friends from home – our relationships were seemingly fine, but there were small little things in my mind that I felt were holding us back from going a bit deeper with each other – and expressed everything that was on my mind, raw, with no sugar coating. Their responses were absolutely incredible and again, from the moment I received their responses, I felt instantly more connected to my friends of 10+ years that I had never experienced before. It was real and pure and has already yielded such amazing results for us.

 

So the takeaway? There is a difference between being open and being vulnerable – true vulnerability can make your heart beat 5x faster and instill a bit of nausea in you before you express it – when you start to feel that, it means you are moving in the right direction. Just like with challenging situations, this is where the real growth happens, step into it and I guarantee you will love the results (note that in some extreme situations you can experience a vulnerability hangover and find yourself thinking “why on earth did I just share that I feel so weak” – keep in mind that’s just the ego doing its work and know that the truth will set you free.)

 

 

3. The only way to truly catalyze transformation in someone is through unconditional love. My third and final point is a little bit esoteric and hard to capture in specific words/examples but it is the most important point that I can make. The Heart Attack program is an immersive 30 day program packed with sessions and experiences to spark empowerment and transformation in the lives of the participants. My team poured time and energy into developing impeccable content and memorable experiences for the participants. What I came to realize however, was that while the sessions had great information, they were not the gamechanger. The gamechanger was the way this content was delivered – with love in our hearts and deep care and commitment towards each participant. Remember, it’s not what you do, it’s how you do it. We showed up each day with unconditional love for each participant and poured that love into them day-in and day-out, no matter what.

 

 

When we had our end-of-program feedback session, the was a common thread in all of the comments from the participants was around how we treated them. They mayyybe remembered 30% of the content that they learned over the last month, but that will eventually fade too – what they will never forget however, is how much love and belief we had in them to actually spark change – because as my girl Maya Angelou says… People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

 

As I thought more about this, I realized this was the case for me when I came out of the dark ages – I attribute that transformation not to all of the words that people told me about changing my behavior, I attribute that to the unconditional love and belief that I felt from my family. This point was signed, sealed, and delivered during my last couple of days at Rosemary Dream where I experienced an outpouring of love and appreciation from the Rosemary team that I had never felt before and one that I will never forget. At Rosemary, that same love is so embedded in the culture and is clear in everything they do; from cooking you a meal, to sharing a conversation, to giving you a compliment in the morning, you can feel the love in all of it and the only word I can use to describe it is PURE.

 

So here I sit, after my own Heart Attack experience. Everything feels different. I clear understand the things that I want to bring into my life, I understand my gifts and my voice and am ready to bring them to others with a lot of love, I feel an amazing sense of reverence for this thing called life and no matter what happens to me, I can sit back and be grateful, and THAT my friends… is truly a blessing.

 

To close out this post I want to leave you with one final quote that I hope you never forget “We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love” – Mother Teresa

 

So, less show and more soul – we have a lot of love to share 🙂

 

LOVE YOU FAM! ❤

Matt

 

P.S. If you enjoyed this post, consider sharing it via Facebook or LinkedIn

A Life of Freedom or Fear…The Choice is Yours

whooty

How many of us have been in a situation where we have wanted to express ourselves but the little “rational” voice in our head shut it down?

 

  • You feel compelled to introduce yourself or reach out to someone that you’re interested in but you hear your own voice come up with 1000 reasons for why the moment isn’t quite right – “she’s with her friends, I’ll wait until she’s by herself and then I’ll say (insert cliché line here)” or “We’re at a work function, it’s not appropriate, I’ll try to get their number for something else and then send a happy hour invitation text tomorrow” or, more directly, “They’re out of my league, what’s the point?”

 

  • You’re in a meeting and you want to speak up but that same voice pops up and says “you’re new to the project, you may not have all of the information and someone else probably already brought that up anyway” or “It seems like my manager is pretty set on their decision, so what’s the point in wasting anyone’s time?”

 

  • You’re in a social situation and the conversation turns into something like gossip or negative talk about someone who isn’t there – you want to stop it but then you hear “My friends invited me here, I don’t want to stir the pot” or “whatever, I’m never going to change their minds so why bother?”

 

  • You see someone clearly upset and your heart calls you to go comfort them with a hug or a few words of encouragement but there that voice goes again “you barely know this person, that would be awkward” or “who am I to share words of encouragement to this person, I have my own shit I am dealing with…”

 

  • You want to go for that new job but you read the job description and the voice starts up again “I don’t have that experience” or “they’re looking for a more technical background, they’re not going to take me…”

 

If you’re anything like me, it’s likely that you’ve experienced all of these situations at some point in your life.

 

The result?

  • By the time your moment finally comes to make your move and say hello, you’ve played it up so much that you’re crippled with fear and never say a word OR the words come out in a panicked manner with a hint of vomit in the back of your throat

 

  • You don’t speak up in the meeting and leave feeling timid, or someone else says what you were thinking and gets a “great thought, Susan!”, or your team runs into the barrier that you anticipated but never expressed and its worse for everyone involved

 

  • You leave the social situation feeling uncomfortable and timid, your anger with yourself turns to blame of the “others” who were gossiping and you distance yourself rather than work with them to potentially change their perspective or at least open their eyes to a new one

 

  • You miss a golden opportunity to share love, encouragement, and positivity and both parties walk away from the situation feeling bad

 

  • You don’t even try to go for the job and you sit wondering about what might have been, each day resenting your current position more and more

 

Sometimes it’s not as intense as these examples, sometimes the situation could be as simple as singing or dancing. We sing songs and dance with gusto when we are by ourselves (shower and car time are prime examples) but as soon as you add new people into the equation your voice lowers to a murmur and your feet start to turn to cement until all you are doing is a stationary head bop when your body feels like its about to explode.

 

The obvious question becomes “WHY?!”

 

Why do we hold back? Why do we stifle these urges when we know and feel that it’s what we truly want? Why don’t we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and instead numb ourselves to what might be possible if we followed our hearts?

 

The answer is quite simple, and something I have been exploring very intimately for the better half of the last year. But first, I want to introduce two related concepts.

 

As I sat to write this post, I started going back to situations where this phenomenon of holding back was clearly visible and looked at the elements at play. Each time, it seemed to come down to these two concepts which Brendon Burchard articulates very eloquently in his book, The Motivation Manifesto.

 

  1. Social Oppression – the caging of our spirit and stifling of our potential by others
  2. Self Oppression – letting our own negative thoughts or actions restrict us

 

Social Oppression – sometimes this comes in an “in your face form” of a conforming team culture, a stubborn/abusive partner, a bully etc., where the other, makes us feel small and inadequate. Sometimes however, it comes in a more subtle manner when we are sitting in a room with a group of best friends – and these are the moments you need to watch out for because it’s hard to realize what is happening in real time.

 

I recalled a time where a close girlfriend of mine came over on a Saturday afternoon with a few close friends. She had recently been seeing someone that she was really into. She arrived in the middle of a texting conversation with this guy and started sharing some of it with us (sorry guy). I remember she was SO excited about him, the connection was there, they both seemed to have a lot in common, and they were talking about an adventurous but AWESOME date that they wanted to go on. However, what started with a lot of love and excitement, quickly morphed into confusion and uncertainty.

 

  • “Omg don’t say that you’re going to sound too excited, don’t make it seem like you’re available”
  • “Really? It’s only your second date… isn’t that a little much?… Maybe suggest switching to casual drinks”
  • “Look, I love you but don’t get too excited, you don’t really know this guy yet, he could be a f*ckboy and I just don’t want to see you get hurt again”

 

Thinking back on it, I remember noticing my friend sitting on the couch just staring at her phone, her smile was gone and now she looked puzzled. Her energy had been sucked out of her by her best friends who THOUGHT we “had her back” – she felt one way but the voices of her close friends, me included, were pulling her away from that authentic, amazing feeling and bringing her to a place of uncertainty and insecurity. Like so many early stage relationships, what started as a pure and vulnerable feeling grounded in love, quickly morphed into a disingenuous mind-game of who could save face and win (aka not be the one who gets hurt or taken advantage of) grounded in ego. And no…the relationship didn’t work out, it never really even took root…

 

Self Oppression – often times the oppresion we face comes from where we might least expect it, ourselves. We hold back because we want to avoid the pain of potential failure or rejection. We hide our projects or gifts from the world because they are not yet “perfect.” We start to downplay our presentation before we give it to “set expectations” when really we just want to lower the bar that we feel we need to hit in order to be accepted.

 

To highlight self oppression, I could just give this example of a job I really wanted but didn’t get:

 

— I poured my heart and soul into the application process but I did so behind closed doors, when people asked me about it, I acted lukewarm “yeah I’m not sure if I even want it because it my sister is about to have a baby and I don’t want to move…” What was really happening was that I was protecting myself from the possibility of having to face these same people after not getting the job, giving myself a crutch to save face rather than express how bad I really wanted it at the time. —

 

BUT, this story is in the past and has a very happy ending that led to my sabbatical opportunity so, it’s too easy to use as my example (this is after all, a post about facing fears) – so let’s go with something still in flight that will test me on this concept of fear and vulnerability…

 

F*ck it, here goes… I’ve been talking to this awesome girl lately and our conversations have been full of energy and connection. It feels great. But recently, I caught myself doing two things (closely related) that highlight this concept of self-oppression.

 

  • First happened as we were having a conversation that was really lighting me up. My body flooded with positive feelings and I wanted to scream something like “I feel so connected to you right now and you make me so friggin happy!!!” but in an instant that voice came up… “Matt relax, its too new and that’s too much…dial it back…”
  • Second, was when I was telling my sisters about it. The fact of the matter was that I was stoked – it’s been a while since I felt this type of connection with a girl but as I was telling my sisters I kept catching myself every time after saying something good, including a caveat like “well idk, its pretty fresh so who knows…”

 

P.S. ^ this story isn’t over but I’ll get back to the outcome of this in a bit

 

So we know that social oppression and self oppression are the culprits but if we look at it more deeply, what do they both have in common?

 

FEAR. They are both grounded in fear. Fear of uncertainty, fear of disapproval, fear that we will be rejected, abandoned, or isolated. Fear that we will not live up to our expectations of ourselves and the expectations others have of us.

 

The problem is this – when we allow fear to permeate our minds, our once bold ambitions and behaviors become small and constrained. We turn away from what we truly want and who we truly are until fear fully engulfs those desires, turning them into a distant memory. It would take me a month to cover all of the unwanted outcomes that fear leads to but for the sake of this post; just understand that this fear runs deep, it has taken captive our minds and our culture, and it holds us back from pure freedom of self-expression which is what all of us truly desire – whether we are consciously aware of it or not. When we are fearful, we can’t be free.

 

So what can we do to combat this epidemic and liberate ourselves from the grips of fear so that we can be free to passionately pursue our heart’s desires? Here is what I learned so far through my journey of facing many of my fears over the past few years – and believe me I still have a looong way to go.

 

  1. The first step is understanding fear and where it comes from. Normally, fear doesn’t come about from a single event. It is more commonly the result of multiple events, compounded over time – conditioning us to be fearful. As I mentioned, the scary part is that these events that condition us to fear don’t always stem from malicious intent. Sometimes it’s the loving but overbearing mother who hovers over their child’s every move, constantly telling them to “be careful!” or the pragmatic father who paints a very articulate picture to his child on why it would make more sense to pursue a job with financial security rather than pursue their dreams of being an artist. I’m not suggesting that we stop listening to our friends, family, and advisors altogether, but we must become astute in recognizing when our trusted ones are speaking from their own fear-based opinions.
  2. The second step is being able to catch ourselves in the moment when we are basing our actions in fear rather than freedom. This is much easier said than done because often times when we are in a state of fear, we get tunnel vision and hyper-focused on the stimulus that is causing the fear. It’s normally only after the event that we can see and admit to ourselves that our actions (or lack thereof) were driven by fear. However, through conscious thought and disciplined action, we can start to catch ourselves in a fear state and we can choose to replace that fear with more empowering feelings and emotions. A great way to do this is through mindfulness. If you follow my blog, I’ve already quoted this, but it’s one of my favorite quotes and certainly applies here “Between stimulus and response there is space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom” – Viktor E. Frankl. Start tuning in and catching yourself in that fear-based narrative – chances are, you will start see a pattern (i.e., it normally happens when I talk to my boss or girls or when I am in a large group setting)
  3. The third step, is once you start understanding your fear-based thoughts and know what your fear triggers are, replace them with empowering feelings and beliefs. Love and gratitude are amazing replacements because you can’t hold both emotions at the same time – when you are grateful or full of love, you can’t be fearful. Second, stop thinking about what would be lost if the worst should happen (broken heart, loss of confidence, etc.) and start focusing on the upside – what could be gained if you broke free from the fear trap? If you want to lose weight and get into shape but you’re scared of the sacrifices you will have to make or the initial struggle you might experience in the gym, what if instead, you choose to pump yourself up about the new confidence and possibilities that will come with a increased fitness and the new healthy dishes you can share with friends and loved ones. At first, this practice may feel fake and like forced positive thinking, but so what? What do you have to gain from continued negative thought patterns? Overtime you will rewire your brain to a new way of thinking and eventually this perspective shift will become your norm.
  4. Finally – do one thing that scares you every day. It doesn’t have to always be intense. For me, my default is taking a freezing cold shower every single morning. I’ve been doing this for the last 2 years (at least). The purpose of it is to rewire my brain to get used to doing things I am scared of or don’t want to do – to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Force yourself to step into that fear. We build these mental muscles and learn to overcome our fear only with practice and consistency. I’ll never forget the first time I had to speak in public at a professional event… my heart was pounding and I nearly went blind, I forgot everything I wanted to say and started profusely sweating until a man in the front row pulled out a tissue and handed it to me so I could blot the sweat from my face…I was MORTIFIED. Why would I ever want to do that again? But I knew I could either dwell on it and talk myself into a prison of fear OR I could jump back in the ring and face my fear again which is exactly what I did. Now, I love public speaking and it’s become one of my strongest assets in my personal and professional life. We all have the choice to be courageous and face our fears. Overtime, the fear subsides and you will look back with kindness and ask yourself, “How was I afraid of that?”

 

We’re almost done! But before I close, lets quickly go back to this mystery girl I mentioned earlier…a perfect opportunity to put this to practice in real time.

 

Yes, I recognize IT IS early and I DON’T know what the future is going to bring, but is that a reason to suppress how I am feeling in this very moment? I can’t control the future and maybe nothing comes of it and maybe there will be a time where I have to tell my sisters “I got ghosted” or some other shitty outcome but that’s out of my hands – so should I proceed more timidly (when that is so not my style) out of fear of the unknown? I can only focus on what I can control and the rest is up to God or the Universe or Chaos Theory or whatever you want to call it. I’m on a mission to push all fear from my life and be free to express myself and pursue the things I want wholeheartedly – so when I caught myself in that self oppressive state, I stomped it out, I expressed what I was feeling, authentically with no filter to save face, both to the girl and to my sisters and guess what? It felt great and I didn’t die and I don’t really care to get hung up on the future because as Mark Twain put it “I’ve known a great many troubles in my life, none of which have ever actually happened…”

 

So, my call to you is to step up and give fear the finger. F*ck fear, it doesn’t serve you. Chasing your dreams with fear is like trying to climb to the summit of a mountain with a 6000 lb. boulder in your backpack. Find the fear and beat it to shit with positivity, love, gratitude, and optimism. I’M NOT SAYING IT WILL BE EASY but you are so much more than your fears. Don’t you think a better and more free life is worth the struggle it takes to get there?

 

Dare to follow your dreams and crush your fears because either fear wins or freedom wins…which will you choose?

 

 

Thanks for listening fam ❤

 

Matt

 

A toast…to a real man’s man – my Father

This post is a dedication to my father – the greatest man I will ever know.

pops1

I was initially sitting down to write a blog post about mentorship (which will still come soon) and I started thinking about the different mentors in my life. Now, I have been blessed to have some incredible mentors through the years that have challenged me, taught me, and guided me through different phases of my life – so I am sure you can imagine I have plenty to say about them. There is one mentor however who has been there the whole time, 27 years, through the challenges, the bliss, and everything in between – my dad. Add that to the fact that it’s his 62nd trip around the sun and it’s only logical that give a little thanks and share what I’ve learned from the man, the myth, the legend… Frank Brigante.

 

From here on out I am speaking directly to you, Dad.

 

Even as I sit to write this its hard to express in so little text all that you’ve done for me. You have taught me so much – directly through your words and indirectly through your actions so I’ll just have to try my best to cover what I feel are the most important things that any father can teach his son… what it really means to be a man. Here are the skills and qualities that I’ve learned from you that feel the need to share with the world.

 

  • Strength: Men are strong. Yeah that’s something all guys grow up hearing – but you redefined what strength means to me. You taught me that the strength of a man isn’t measured by the circumference of his biceps or his bench press – it is measured by the strength of his heart and his character. You’ve shown me how to find the strength to be vulnerable and sensitive when every stereotype and instinct urged me to harden my heart because “men don’t show their emotions.” You taught me to always do the right thing, even when the outcome doesn’t favor me, and most importantly you showed me how to build up my legs and shoulders (metaphorically speaking), not to carry heavy objects, but to be able to withstand the weight of sacrifice. I grew up watching you always putting others before yourself and doing it with love, joy, and a smile on your face.
  • Toughness: You grew up without ever knowing your real father, you grew up getting your Christmas gifts from the Church donation basket. You could have let your past be a predicator of your future but instead you decided that you wanted something different for your life and your family – so you put your head down and you grinded. Year in and year out you worked your tail off to put food on the table, to put money away so we could get the college education that you couldn’t, so that we could travel the world as a family and enjoy incredible experiences. Even when we went through our ungrateful shithead phases where we threw it all back in your face, you kept up and set a standard for toughness that I will never forget and that I will always strive to live up to.
  • Bravery: You taught me to be fearless when I step into any situation, no matter how uncertain it may seem. Not because of some foolish overestimation of my own abilities but because you taught me to have faith in the face of anything that comes my way. Growing up, and still to this day, you always took the time to point out God’s hand in every situation when I couldn’t see it myself. You showed me that that nothing is a coincidence and everything is as it should be at all times because God is always in control. I can’t tell you how much peace this has brought me throughout my life and how much confidence its given me to continue to push myself beyond my known limits.
  • Work Ethic: “Commit to the Lord all that you do…” man, if I had a dollar for all of the times you’ve said that…LOL but in all seriousness, you are the physical manifestation of that expression. From cleaning the house, waking up extra early so you can make breakfast for each member of the family, to gathering us around the table to read the Bible and speak wisdom into our lives during times when we needed it most, you never half assed it – you always go full ass. But in all seriousness, no matter how big or small the task, you do it with the same level of love, care, and dedication – and that’s something I can’t say the same thing about anyone else that I know. A tip of the hat to you on that one.
  • How to treat a woman: Like every father should, you showed me how to treat and talk to women. But your lessons are different – they’re never the “hey, you come here often” or “grab them by the p***”  bullshit. No – in my 27 years of life I have never seen you speak to or treat mom in a disrespectful or undermining way. You taught me that a wife should be your true partner in life and if/when that partnership gets out of balance, you fix it… even if that means swallowing your ego and saying sorry. You’ve shown me how to have confidence with women – confidence that doing things like cooking, cleaning, and gardening for your wife doesn’t make you any less of a man. Confidence to go against all of the gender norms you grew up with simply because you love mom and it makes you happy to do these things for her. Because of you I now know that trust and communication are some of the most important elements of any relationship and I’ve had the utter joy of watching your relationship with mom become deeper and more enriched each year with no signs of slowing down. What more could a kid ask for?

 

The truth is that these points don’t even scratch the surface of all that you’ve done for me and all that you’ve taught me. But talk is cheap anyway – just like you did for me, I want to show you what I’ve learned from you. You have been such a driving force in my life, you make me want to be the best man, brother, and leader I can be – because I can only hope to carry on your legacy and make you proud. Thank you so much dad, I am so blessed to have a best friend, mentor, and father, all wrapped up into one person.

 

BIG LOVE TO YOU BROTHA

pops2

 

Love,

Matt

Step outside of your “bubble” to change your perspective…especially when traveling

DR kids

Some readers may see this as a rant but I hope it’s not interpreted as such – I’m not in the business of telling anyone how to live their lives, I am just sharing what has made a big difference in mine.

 

Yesterday was Sunday in Quito, Ecuador. As a pretty religious country, all of the mom n’ pop cafe’s were closed, so I headed to a more commercial spot in the center of town for breakfast. This place was full of travelers and expats which I could easily pick up on from the looks and language of the patrons. As I was eating and FaceTiming my sister, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. When I turned around I saw an adorable little girl but as my concentration focused in on her, my heart started to break – this girl could not have been more than 4 years old but her clothes were tattered, her face was splotched with dirt, and I could easily see the white crust that comes after tears have been streaming down a face. She put out her hand for some money which I gladly gave her. We chatted for a moment, I introduced her to my little sister (via FaceTime) and she went on her way.  What really struck me though, was what happened after she left… as I watched her walk away, I noticed almost 90% of the other patrons turn their backs or plug in their headphones in anticipation of this girl walking up to them so that they wouldn’t have to acknowledge her or face the reality of the situation.

 

In a similar vein, I’m currently taking a break from the hostel life of shared dorms and bathrooms and booked a couple of nights at the JW Marriott (I’ll discuss the irony of that in a bit…) where I’ve noticed a similar phenomenon. This hotel seems to be isolated from the reality that exists just outside of its doors where the employees guard against locals coming onto the property to solicit patrons with gum/water or window-washing/shoe-shining services. Now, I understand that Marriott is branded on customer experience and as a business, I get why they feel the need to “protect” guests from this type of encounter but my personal opinion is that experiences like this, while at times can be jarring, shouldn’t anger us as guests, they should open our eyes to show how good we have it… after all, this is the first place I’ve been able to actually flush my shitty toilet paper rather than throw it in the garbage…

 

One thing I’ve become tuned into over the last few years is that many people within or above our tax bracket, when traveling to under-resourced countries, do it purely for themselves. They want to see the sights and want to eat and drink like kings and queens for a fraction of the price. While they may venture far from their home country, they tend to keep themselves insulated by going to the western spots (hotels, bars, restaurants) and put a layer between themselves and the locals of the countries that they visit. The result is that they come back with some fun stories and cool experiences but no shift in perspective and no understanding of what life is truly like in that country. When I’ve asked how the trips were, the conversations seem to revolve around all of the cool things they did “WE ATE LIKE KINGS!” “WE DID THE COOLEST SHIT” etc. It’s been much less common for me to hear “the trip was amazing, it turned my world upside down and made me so grateful for what I have” or “The people were so incredible and taught me so much about love, life, and joy”

 

Why is this important?

 

Like I said – this isn’t meant to be a rant or me calling people out because they aren’t “traveling the right way.” No, I’m not here to critique travel plans – in fact… this line of thought spans far beyond traveling (I’m just using travel as a way to highlight my point).

 

The main point is that when you are only focused on yourself, and never venture out of your “bubble” it’s easy to lose perspective. You begin to think that your problems are the biggest and most important problems in the world and you miss the crucial lessons that you can learn from others living in different situations.

 

  • “I’m so pissed. School only just started and I already have so much homework I had to miss Sunday Funday”
  • “I can’t believe my ex is already dating someone else…”
  • “I get that we don’t really talk anymore but why would they have to go and unfollow me on Instagram?”
  • “My job literally sucks, I hate my boss so much”

 

Yeah, don’t get me wrong, these situations are less than optimal but to get hung up on them, let them fester, and waste energy thinking about them is such a shame.

 

When you find opportunities to “burst your bubble” and truly experience other environments – those problems that once seemed so huge start to dissolve. If you really open your heart and mind to what’s out there, everything begin to change: your perspective, your motives, everything…

 

For me personally, traveling has been one of the most effective ways to venture out of my bubble and continues to transform me every day.

 

Through my job I’ve had the opportunity to work in countries like Bosnia, Jordan, Guatemala, the Dominican Republic, Uganda, Nicaragua, and Ecuador – countries with people clearly living in a different reality than what I am used to back in the United States. In these countries I’ve worked with organizations who serve groups that are severely under resourced and/or oppressed. Working with these organizations and interacting directly with the people they serve, I’ve heard stories and had encounters that I will never forget. Stories of female genital mutilation, extreme poverty, lack of medical care, and strict oppression from both family members and governments. I’ve also seen the flip side, of people who don’t seem to have much but were so happy and grateful and willing to share what they do have. I’ve been blessed to share meals with and stay in the homes of these people and connect with them – and what I learned is that we are no different – we’re all made up of the same material, we all want love, and we all end up in the same place… the only difference are the environments that we happened to be born into. Each interaction has changed me for the better, they made me more empathetic, more curious, more grateful for what I have, more focused on others rather than myself – and I feel fortunate to have the people and opportunities in my life to expose me to the world outside of my bubble.

What’s your point?

 

With the recent news of Mac Miller’s death, which came way too soon, I’ve been thinking about other news of stars such as Avicii, Heath Ledger, and in some cases personal friends – passing at such young ages from drug overdoses and/or suicides when they seemed to have a golden road in front of them.

 

NOW DON’T GET IT TWISTED. I wouldn’t dare try to undermine what they may have been going through – I didn’t know them and I would never be so pompous to speak as if I knew the depths of their pain.

 

What I can speak on however, is my own personal experience. There was a time for me where I was so wrapped up in my bubble. I’d be concerned with how I came across to others, or if a certain girl was into me, or if I acted as cool as possible in a social situation – I just wanted to be accepted and be what I felt other people expected me to be. I’d compare myself to others in via channels like social media and would get down on myself. I was working hard but would see these people who already had the things that I wanted (both tangible and intangible things) and it would make me feel like I wasn’t good enough to earn them. My inputs weren’t immediately leading to the outcomes that I expected and so I began to question myself and my value. I would party hard and drink / do drugs to experience that peace and happiness for just a moment, while feeling like absolute shit (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) the next day because I knew it wasn’t real. My mind even went as far as fantasizing about what would happen if I died and if people would finally start to appreciate what I had to offer once I was gone. It was a dark place that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone and in fact this is the first time that I’ve ever put this out there to the public.

 

But, I was blessed with opportunities to burst that bubble that I was living in which was slowly destroying my spirit and once I started to break down those walls, those concerns stopped looking so ominous and took a back seat. I started to realize what I had and became grateful and joyful.  The questions I asked myself changed from “why don’t I have this yet?” to questions like, “how can I better serve others?” or “how can I make good use of my gifts to show my gratitude?”

 

Once my perspective shifted, so did everything else in my life. The crazy thing is that at first, my perspective was the only thing that changed. I wasn’t doing anything different, I just saw my life through a new pair of eyes until overtime it started to manifest into the physical indicators and now I don’t think you have to look too far to see how grateful I am for all that I have and how full of love and happiness my life has become.

 

This is certainly not just the case for me. At the beginning of my sabbatical I met an awesome dude in Peru who was from the states. He shared with me his story of transformation. He had hated his life – he felt empty and depressed like he couldn’t escape his situation – Peru was his last option, he had heard that it was a place for spiritual healing and decided that it was either going to change him or he was going to take his own life. I was floored by his story because the man I met was happy, in love, and radiated positive energy – in our conversations I learned so much from him about life, gratitude, and what truly matters. I would have never expected that he came from a place of so much pain and hopelessness and his transformation was all sparked from a simple shift in perspective.

 

These stories make me wonder how experiences like this may impact others who are in dark places and are turning to negative outlets as a way to escape them.

 

I’m not suggesting that everyone should give up everything they have and travel the world or become Mother Teresa. I certainly haven’t. In fact, as I mentioned, I am writing this post from the JW Marriott after doing my fair share of epic shit. I believe that we should all be able to eat, drink, be merry, and enjoy the fruits of our labor – guilt free :).

 

That said, I also believe that if we are not growing, we are dying, and if we really want to grow and evolve our perspective, we must find ways to pepper in experiences that take us out of our bubble and help us see the bigger picture – after all, we are all connected. Change your perspective and you will change your life.

 

Bless Up !

 

Matt

 

P.S. If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it via Facebook or LinkedIn 🙂

 

Summiting Volcan Cotopaxi – when there is a mountain in front of you, just take it one step at a time…

Hey fam – I know it’s been a while since my last post so thank you for being patient. The past two months have been full of travel. I had a close friend visit who had a rough year back at home so I wanted to make our time together fun and meaningful – we explored a lot of the country and met some amazing people along the way. For our last week together I wanted to end on a “high” note – I wanted to do something that would push us beyond our limits but if we accomplished it, would be unforgettable. What better way to do that than to climb the 3rd highest active volcano in the world, Volcan Cotopaxi?

Volvan Cotopaxi

The lead up:

When we decided that we would try to summit Cotopaxi, we didn’t know really what we were getting ourselves into. All we knew was that it was the 2nd highest mountain in Ecuador and the 3rd highest active volcano in the world – pretty badass. Once we decided that we were going to do it, we had to prep.

 

Although I’m a pretty physically active person, I knew this was going to be a challenge and called for a different type of fitness and training. Most of my training for the past 4 months had been spent at the beach surfing and doing yoga/explosive style workouts at sea level. Cotopaxi was going to be an uphill climb, battling the elements at 5,897 meters (19,347 feet) up to the summit. So, we set out on a 2 week tour through Ecuador to acclimatize to the proper altitude, get our legs ready for some serious trekking, and of course enjoy Ecuador’s natural beauty along the way.

 

  • We spent about a week total between Cuenca (2560 meters but ~3,900 meters at Cajas National Park) and Banos (1,820 meters) which weren’t as much serious prep as it was living at a higher altitude and taking a few half-day hikes – still amazing (pics below)
  • When we left Banos, we headed to Latacunga to hike the Quilotoa loop – a 3 day, 30 mile trek through the mountains in some pretty tough terrain until we arrived at Laguna de Quilotoa (3,914 meters – pictures below). It was challenging but rewarding
  • Finally, for our last 2 days before the attempted summit, we stayed at Secret Garden Cotopaxi, an beautiful hostel where we could see the monstrosity that is Volcan Cotopaxi from every angle (beautiful but intimidating – also pictured below)
  • From Secret Garden, we were also able to hike up to the summit of Volcan Pasachoa (~4,200 meters)
summit of Volcan Pasachoa
Summit of Volcan Pasachoa
  • All of this was good training but to put it in context, Cotopaxi’s basecamp alone sits at 4,800 meters… so we knew that it was going to be a whole new kind of animal

 

 

The summit:

We arrived at basecamp (El Refugio) at 3 pm the day before the summit to settle in and get our gear ready. We would be heading out at 12:30 am the following morning so we ate a bit of dinner and tried to get some rest before the climb…needless to say I didn’t get much sleep.

 

The first couple hours of the climb were amazing – the sky was lit up by the moon and the stars and I felt fresh, strong, and grateful…

 

Then we hit the glaciers – pure snow and ice – we put on our crampons (metal spikes for the bottom of your boots) and grabbed our ice picks. This is where shit got real.

 

The glaciers were steep, like double black diamond steep and if you fell, you’d either be sliding down Cotopaxi forever or fall into one of the thousands of crevices that went 80 meters into the depths of the volcano. Pretty friggin scary for a kid who doesn’t enjoy heights (more specifically, ledges at high altitudes). Add to this our extreme altitude where the air is ~50% less dense and the air molecules are much farther apart. The result? Oxygen deprivation, fatigue, nausea, headaches, etc.

 

About 3.5 hours in (with about 3 more to go) the oxygen deprivation started hitting me, I was fatigued and nauseous. I’d look down and I’d see how far we climbed, but then I would look up to the summit and it didn’t look like we were getting any closer to it. At ~4 hours into the hike, I told my buddy and my guide that I didn’t think I was going to be able to continue, we were getting ready to turn around. As we were getting ready to head back, my mind flooded with voices – I could hear my dad’s last words to me before the climb “one step at a time, one foot in front of the other” and my mom saying “God will give you the strength to do all things”  and finally I recalled the 40% rule from my book Living With a Seal…more on the 40% rule later.

 

With this new inspiration, I stood up and started moving forward. Now, don’t be confused, this was not like I got a second wind and sped victoriously up the mountain. No, I took it slow, vomited twice, and slipped and stumbled intermittently for the next 2 hours to the summit.

 

But guess what… I still made it. As we reached the summit I could see the sun just rising up above the clouds. I was overcome with emotion and gratitude and just wept. The grueling process to get to the top and witness the beauty was overwhelming for me and I have never felt closer to God than I did at that moment. A moment I will never forget.

 

What I learned:

Through this experience, I learned a lot, but I want to share 3 quick insights that apply to our lives in almost everything we do:

 

 

  • When you are attempting a challenging endeavor, set an intention
  • Have a sense for where you are headed, but take it one step at a time
  • When you are pushing yourself, remember the 40% rule

 

 

  • Set an intention: Setting out on this endeavor, I knew it would be a challenge. I learned a while ago how important it is to set an intention to focus on during a rigorous challenge – it helps keep you focused and committed to your cause. The interesting insight for me however, was how quickly my intention changed. At first, my intention was set around myself. I wanted this achievement to be a symbol for me to represent future challenges that came my way – remembering the grit that it takes to overcome them. My intention however, quickly shifted… As we were trekking, I became filled with gratitude. I was thankful to God for the legs that were carrying me up the face of the volcano, for my lungs that were pumping hard to get limited oxygen into my body. I was thankful that I had one of my best friends next to me to share the experience with. I started to think about my mentors at work who supported me 100% to make this sabbatical opportunity possible, and finally I was thankful for my family who stood by me for my entire life up to this point – giving me the courage and confidence to take on this entire adventure in the first place. So what started out as something for me, quickly became a dedication climb – to the people that made this all possible, to show that I didn’t take this for granted. What I learned was that by setting my intention on others, I was able to access a new source of energy to keep pushing forward – if it was just for me, I think I would have stopped before the summit. 

 

  • Take it one step at a time: Before leaving for base camp, I was talking to my dad and I mentioned that while I felt confident, looking at that Volcano everyday was a bit intimidating. My dad responded with simple but powerful advice, “you know where you are headed, now just take it one step at a time, put one foot in front of the other.” As we were ascending, the air was getting thinner, and I was losing steam. I’d look back down from where we came and see how far we had climbed but then I would look up to the summit and it looked like we barely made any progress and that defeated feeling of “we’ll never get there” started to settle in. At that point I had sat down on the ice and told my guide I didn’t think I’d be able to continue – we were getting ready to turn around when my dad’s words came back into my mind “One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.” And for the next 3 hours up to the summit, that’s exactly what I did, I put all of my focus towards locking in each step, putting one foot in front of the other, only seldom taking a glance at the summit. In life, when we are facing a goal/challenge, getting to the other side can seem daunting and so far away. In these moments, the best thing you can do is break it down and focus on taking one step at a time towards your goal. What I learned is that success for any goal/challenge is not about the one big decision of “I’m going to summit Cotopaxi” but the thousands of small choices you make to continue to push forward until you finally arrive at your destination.

 

  • Remember the 40% Rule: About a year ago I read a really great book called Living With a Seal. In the book, serial entrepreneur, Jesse Itzler, hires a badass Navy Seal to come live with his family and teach him about mental and physical toughness. In the book, the Navy Seal reveals The 40% Rule.  The rule is simple: When your mind is telling you that you’re done, that you’re exhausted, that you cannot possibly go any further, you’re only actually 40% done. While I was sitting, ready to give up and my dad’s voice popped into my head, so did the 40% rule. I realized that my mind was being soft as a survival mechanism, and that my body had a lot more to give – so I pushed on. And yes, it was tough and at many points it sucked…but I still made it. So the next time you hit your known limits, just remember you still have 60% more to give and push on.

 

 

I’ll never forget this experience and I am so grateful to all of the people and events in my life that made it possible. I hope you enjoyed the read and remember it the next time you have a mountain (physical or metaphorical) in front of you. Climb on!

 

 

Cheers!

Matt

 

P.S. If you enjoyed the read, please consider sharing it via Facebook or LinkedIn

10 days, Technology Free in the Galapagos – What I Learned…

sea lion

So I just got back from an incredible 10 days on the Galapagos Islands. The islands themselves were absolutely incredible – the people, the biodiversity, and the unique terrain were more remarkable than I could have ever imagined. I’ll eventually post in more detail about some of the specific moments/activities from the trip but today, I want to talk about a component of my trip that is not directly related to the Islands.

 

During my trip I took a 10 day technology fast. While I still brought my phone for pictures, the fast consisted of:

  • Airplane mode at all times
  • No texts or calls
  • No social media
  • No emails
  • No computer
  • No searching the internet

 

Before talking about what I experienced and what I learned during the technology fast, I’ll start with why I committed to doing this in the first place.

 

Why the technology fast?

 

While a 10 day trip to the Galapagos is the perfect opportunity to unplug and fully immerse yourself into the island experience, that was not the main impetus for me to abstain from technology during this trip, just a nice little perk.

 

My primary interest in the technology fast can be expressed, in-part, by a real AF verse on Drake’s new album, Scorpion, in a song called Emotionless.

 

Missin’ out on my days

Scrollin’ through life and fishin’ for praise

Opinions from total strangers take me out of my ways

I try and see who’s there on the other end of the shade

….

I know a girl whose one goal was to visit Rome

Then she finally got to Rome

And all she did was post pictures for people at home

‘Cause all that mattered was impressin’ everybody she’s known

I know another girl that’s cryin’ out for help

But her latest caption is “Leave me alone”

I know a girl happily married ’til she puts down her phone

I know a girl that saves pictures from places she’s flown

To post later and make it look like she still on the go”

 

(Side note. ANOTHER Drake song says “I’m living inside the moment, not taking pictures to save it” – which also hits home for me. Go Drake)

 

When I heard those verses they struck a chord with me. While its not a direct match, the lyrics express many of the challenges I (and I’ll be so bold to say we) face with social media and staying connected.

 

Exhibit A:

 

Since I’ve been on this trip, while I certainly feel that I have deepened my mindfulness practice and have been much more present, there were a lot of things I’d catch myself doing that didn’t align with my values:

 

  • Once I got access to WiFi, I became too connected to my phone  – perhaps it was due to some of the intermittent loneliness that can  come with solo travel – but all the same, it was too much.
  • I would catch myself aimlessly scrolling through Instagram, liking every picture I saw – NOT necessarily because I liked the pictures (sorry) but because I subconsciously wanted to exchange likes for likes – thinking about it now seems so self-serving and honestly it’s tough to write about on a public platform.
  • I would post a picture and would constantly open my Instagram to see how many more likes I got and sometimes, who liked the pictures – as if I had any control over it and as if it truly mattered – and I’d use those likes to put value on my own personal experiences and the quality of what I was sharing.

 

As a result, I started to get tangled up. I’d catch myself in the middle of a conversation with an urge to check my phone, I’d find myself enjoying something beautiful but then thinking about how I could turn it into a post. This little black mirror (phone) had power over me – full stop.

 

I understand why I was doing what I was doing. When I started this blog, I put my personal story on a public platform. It’s like public speaking – you put yourself out there and open yourself up to judgement from the audience with the chance that they dislike what you have to say. I talk about things that are personal and important to me so of course I want it to be received well – and I think that’s healthy. But with this healthy desire to do well, comes the danger of the ego getting in the way. When the ego gets in the way, you lose that feeling of empowerment because you are under the control of the audience – where each like, from people you know and people you don’t, becomes a little ping of validation that you are doing the right thing and when you don’t get those likes, you start to question yourself and the value of the message you were trying to convey or the content you put out.

 

That is why, once I heard those Drake lyrics, I was like “Bruh…” and I decided to go tech free for a nice reset in the Galapagos.

 

What was it like?

 

This 10 day technology fast went pretty much like most of my previous technology-free experiences (yes I have done things like this before) and, I imagine, shares many of the same traits of stopping many habits cold turkey.

 

  • First, came the ego. It started off pretty rough. I think it’s because I posted on Instagram and then immediately shut my phone (maybe not the best idea). I wanted to check my phone so bad! Who liked it? Were people supportive of this technology fast? Did anyone care that I was going to be in the Galapagos?
    • This feeling persisted for a couple of days and then tapered off when I finally let go and said “who cares, it just is what it is.”
  • Then, the conditioning. I’d wake up in the morning and would want to go for my phone to see what messages or alerts had come through overnight. I’d go to the bathroom and felt so lost without having a phone to check. I’d lay in bed before going to sleep and would feel the urge to check my phone or do a bit of scrolling to lull myself to sleep.
  • Finally, the associative aspects. Social situations with an awkward silence would trigger my hand to reach towards my pocket to grab my phone. I’d go sit somewhere by myself and would find myself wanting to check my phone to make it seem like I was doing something important…lol.

 

Having done technology fasts before, I had a sense for what I could expect and was ready for it, but the feelings still came and initially were still hard to ignore. Over time however, the habitual urges started to dissipate and pleasant experiences took their place.

 

  • No longer was I looking at situations or experiences as a moment to capture and later post about, but instead they became moments to simply experience, nothing more.
  • Instead of reaching for my phone in the morning, I’d lay in bed thinking about the previous day and would feel intense gratitude for all I was able to experience. In the bathroom (lol but seriously, the bathroom is prime time for phone scrolling) or when sitting down in general, instead of mindlessly scrolling, I’d tune into my body and observe how it was feeling –  pleasant soreness in my muscles from the previous day’s hike or surf, warm skin from a day out in the sun, everything.
  • In social situations, I was able to fully immerse myself in the conversations. Silence was no longer awkward, but a chance to take a moment to reset, collect, and continue. Conversations became more enriched and went from brief conversations about the weather on the islands to deep meaningful connections.

 

All of these positive effects could be categorized as increased presence and an increased ability to tune into each moment I was experiencing.

 

So what?

 

While the technology fast was pleasant, it isn’t something I can do all of the time and I assume, neither can most of you. Like it or not, technology is an integral part of most of our lives and being completely “off the grid” is not a realistic solution. Technology is also a gift, it provides us with access to information and connects us to our loved ones. It’s an amazing tool and can tremendously improve the quality of our lives when used appropriately. Conversely, it can also lead to negative outcomes and pull us out of the present moment. So the question becomes – what do we do about the inherent conflict that comes in our relationship with technology?

 

In the past, I’ve done things such as delete social media (which I really enjoyed) however, I understand that in order for my blog to reach others (which is a goal) social media is a necessity and deleting it is not a feasible option. What I can do though, is incorporate a few guidelines that will keep me in check. Disclaimer – I have no guarantees on the efficacy of any of these guidelines as I am only one week into them but here is what I have decided to experiment with:

 

  • Set the right mindset:
    • It may seem like a silly guideline but I think an important component is setting the right mindset for approaching technology and social media.
    • If you don’t have a stance/mindset, its easy to get caught up without even realizing. For me, I didn’t realize how much my ego played into my relationship with social media. I’ve now set the mindset that social media is a platform for me to log my journey and share it with whoever is interested. It’s not a place for me to boast, be nosey, or to compare my situation with others. By establishing this mindset, I am giving myself a baseline to check myself.
  • Be intentional:
    • Very closely related to setting the right mindset is being intentional about maintaining your mindset. Technology and social media are never ending floods of information, there is always something new or something to check. If you fail to be intentional about why, when, and how you use your technology, it can easily lead to compulsive behavior.
    • While I continue my trip, I will be intentional in my technology use by designating specific hours where I can be connected – either to check social media, send an email, make a call, etc. By designating a specific time and place to be connected I don’t  need to be concerned with constantly checking my phone every time I hear an alert. Setting time in both the morning and the evening enable me to make sure I am not off the grid for an extended period of time.
  • Observe and respond:
    • By setting the right mindset and being intentional about how I use technology and social media, my hope is that I will be much more aware as I am using them. This will enable me to observe if my thoughts/behaviors are in line with the mindset I set for myself – if they are, great. If not, back to the drawing board to come up with some new ideas.

 

 

I am looking forward to seeing how these little tweaks will work out for me. I think it’s going to be a matter of constant reflection and adaptation that will get me to my ideal relationship with technology.  When it comes to this subject matter, I am certainly no expert and have limited experience. I’d love to hear from you if you’ve experienced any of the things I described and if/how you’ve been able to mitigate the negative impacts. Please let me know by commenting below or sending me a message directly.

 

Thanks fam! ❤

 

P.S. If you enjoyed this post, consider sharing it on Facebook or LinkedIn

We need to rethink how we set a vision for our lives

machuu.jpg

Something that’s been coming up in a lot of my conversations lately, is the concept of having a clear vision for your life.

It’s always an interesting conversation, because while I see immense value in being purpose driven and having a vision to strive for – I’ve also witnessed its potential to cause distress and dissatisfaction in people’s lives (myself, most certainly, included.)

In this post, we will look at a few examples that demonstrate what happens in the vision setting process that can lead to stress and dissatisfaction. I also want to offer up some food for thought and hopefully, you’ll walk away with a new way to think about your vision and purpose that allows for a bit more flexibility (and ultimately, happiness) along the way. (P.S. you’ll notice that I use the terms purpose and vision for your life interchangeably in this post, they are definitely separate concepts but for this post, it’s not as important to distinguish.)

 

Let’s look at 3 brief examples of how this idea of having a vision for your life can lead to stress or dissatisfaction.

 

1. My sister is in the process of transferring from community college to a 4 year university. Since she is transferring in as a junior, the infamous “pick your major” conversation was one of the biggest things on her mind. My sister is extremely hard working and ambitious, and as a result, I watched her put a lot of unnecessary stress upon her shoulders as she went through the process of selecting a major.

  • I don’t have a vision of exactly what I want to do/be, so I am nervous I am going to choose the wrong major
  • Betsy (fake name) is so lucky, she knows her purpose is to be a teacher so she knows exactly what classes to take and doesn’t have to waste time figuring it out. I wish I had that
  • As soon as I can figure out my purpose I’ll feel more motivated in the things I do (class, extracurricular activities, etc.)

For those of you who don’t know my sister, that girl is a ray of sunshine, so it was painful to see this pressure of having it all figured out impact her mood, sense of confidence, and general level of happiness.

 

2. Conversely, a close friend/colleague of mine has a very clear picture of what she wants to do with her career. We have talked a lot in the past and she knows exactly the types of projects,  people, and skills that exist in the industry. She is one of the most intelligent people that I know, so when it comes to job opportunities, the world is her oyster. I’ve had the opportunity to be a close friend through her last two job transitions and here is the interesting phenomena that tends to happen.

  • She’ll apply to a few organizations that excite her, she crushes the interviews and the job offers start coming in. It’s everything she wanted right?!
  • Kinda…
  • When it comes time to make a decision, which granted is a very important decision, she stops herself and thinks “shit, is this actually the right move? Is this absolutely going to get me to my end goal? Is it the best choice?”
  • The result is that rather than get pumped for the amazing options in front of her, she becomes plagued with the pressure to make the perfect choice. At times, she will even undermine her accomplishments because they’re not exactly what she thinks she needed. The end result is still a great job, but the pressure along the way makes the journey stressful and anticlimactic, rather than exciting and affirming.

 

3. A guy I know from the gym is just a few years from retirement. He was recently laid off from his job and was working to answer the question of “what’s next?” I had a few chances to speak with him through the process. In our first conversation, he told me “Matt, I’m tired of this shit…I’ve been doing (sales) for over 30+ years and the last thing I want to do is ramp up at another company right now. I feel like I finally have an opportunity to stop working for someone else.” Our following conversations were awesome, the guy had clearly been successful in his life. We’d talk about ideas of what he could do and some of them really got him amped but each time we’d go down a path, the momentum would slowly crumble because when it came time to pull the trigger he wasn’t sure that it was the best option – I sensed a fear of “what if this is the wrong decision? The result, he is back in sales and honestly I don’t think he is happy about it.

 

All of the above examples are really close to home for me, they are stories of people who I love, respect, and look up to in many ways. The examples also purposely span from college, to mid-career, to end of career. I chose these examples to show that this is something we deal with throughout our lives, so if it is a source of distress/dissatisfaction in your life as well, that’s not going to go away unless you directly address the root cause.

 

Now, let’s explore the root cause and the impact it can have on us.

 

At one point in our lives, we’ve all thought about our vision for who we want to be and what we want to achieve (our legacy). If you haven’t, you should certainly take some time and start thinking about it.

 

The issue, is that when setting our vision, we tend to put a very specific end-goal in our minds of what our lives need to look like in order to feel like we “succeeded” or “made the most of it.” When we finally define that clear end-goal, it tends to come with a very clear-cut path in our minds to get there (or at least a desire to have one).

 

What often happens with this approach is that the specific end-goals in our minds are typically articulated as a role or a specific measurement (i.e., I want to be a doctor, I want to be a teacher, I want 10 million dollars, I want to win 6 NBA championships [Bron, if you’re reading this, that means you]). Naturally, with the specific end vision, comes a clear-cut path to get there. “I have 10 years to become a partner, I’ll start as an analyst, then I’ll need to go to business school for my MBA, then I’ll come back and do x, y, and z, after that I’ll finally be a partner and be able to enjoy my life.” We chart out these paths because they provide us with a sense of certainty in our lives, a false sense of certainty, I’ll add – but it still helps many of us sleep better at night.

 

Our tendency to become laser focused on the end-goal and our clearly defined paths to get there can lead to the following negative outcomes:

 

  1. Stress: When we think about our vision it’s easy to stress out. “I don’t know my vision or my purpose.” “I know what I want to do but I don’t have a clue on where to start.” “So and so is so lucky she knows exactly what she wants to be.” “What if this is the wrong vision for me, can you remind me what yours is?”
  2. Rigidity…and also stress: We get so hooked on the end result that we don’t leave any room for “life” to happen…and “life” certainly happens (by life, I mean new circumstances such as falling in love, having a baby or getting fired, fresh perspectives like an epiphany that shifts your world view, or detours along the way such as a unique opportunity to travel or experience something new) When we are rigid in our approach, “life” happening can cause massive amounts of stress and dissatisfaction regarding our current situation because its not part of the path we set and we didn’t plan for it to happen.
  3. Tuning out…and also stress: Being laser focused on the end result can also remove you from the present moment. Rather than being able to enjoy things as they are happening, you are focused on calculating the distance to your end goal and all you see is a gap (i.e. your vision is to make 10 million dollars, you just made your first million but all your thinking about is the 9 million more you need to make.)

 

It’s twisted, because the whole reason we create a vision for ourselves is so that we can ultimately feel satisfaction with our lives and be happy. Critical components to happiness are less stress, the ability to deal with change and adversity as it comes, and being fully present in each moment we experience. Given that logic, it doesn’t quite make sense to deprive yourself of such things to on the road to happiness.

 

So what should we do?

 

I am not suggesting that we stop thinking about our purpose and our visions for our lives and just wander around aimlessly. I am suggesting however, that we rethink how we define our visions and path to get there. Rethinking our vision/path can free us from a rigid, myopic focus on the end goal and open us up to an adaptive, fluid approach that still takes us to our ultimate destination but allows for some flexibility and joy along the way.

 

Here are two simple tweaks you can make that will have a massive impact on the road to reach your vision.

 

  • Forget your role, focus on your contribution: as I mentioned, when we set a vision for ourselves, it can often come in the form of a role (i.e. I want to be a doctor, a college professor, or a personal coach). The challenge with focusing on roles is that to a degree, those things can be out of your control – financial situations, decisions from others, and general life circumstances can all impact your access to a specific role. Your contribution however, is something that you control 100%, all of the time. Contribution is focused around the outcome rather than the role – its saying “I want to heal people” rather than saying “I want to be a doctor.” When you focus on contribution rather than role, new doors open up. Suddenly, you don’t need to wait to finish school, residency, or have 5 years of experience to start living out your purpose. Suddenly, you don’t need someone else to tell you “yes, we approve that you can do this with your life now”

 

    • This same line of thinking also applies to visions that have a unit of measurement connected to them (i.e. I want to make 5 million dollars) Instead of thinking about the 5 million dollars, think about what it would mean to you to have $5m. Would you be able to travel the world? Would you be able to contribute philanthropically? If these are your goals, you don’t need $5m to get started. Typically, these units of measurement have a deeper intention behind them and once again, when you get to the core of what that is, a whole new world will open for you.

 

 

  • Allow room for life to happen:  I can’t stress this enough. We tend to see our existence and personal experience as the center of the universe and forget that there is a dynamic and interconnected world of people and circumstances out there that we have no control over. It’s impossible to try to control everything that happens and when we do, we stress ourselves out and waste time and energy fighting against this force of the universe. When we are rigid, we can close off to some amazing other opportunities – “Yeah, I wish I could have volunteered with that organization in Delhi but I have to study for my GMAT if I am going to get into business school by the fall” <– (There is nothing inherently wrong with that but in many cases, when I probe, its part of a precisely defined 12-year plan that has every year mapped out and accounted for.) For me, while I believe in ambition and planning, I also believe that there is a deeper intelligence at play and things happen for a reason – whether it feels like a good thing or bad thing. That’s why I like to leave a bit of room for serendipity and for an alternate route to my end goal.

 

    • Pro Tip: when you focus on contribution rather than role, it becomes much easier to allow room for life to happen. When you focus on contribution, everything you do, every place you are, and everyone you meet can become an opportunity for you to make a connection, add a tool to your toolkit, or get an experience under your belt that can support your vision.

 

 

By making these tweaks, my hope is that:

 

  • You no longer have to stress about knowing exactly what you want to be. You can instead focus on who you want to be – a subtle but powerful shift. When you focus on who you want to be, rather than what, you never have to wait for someone’s permission to start being that person – you can start RFN
  • You get excited about life’s curveballs and welcome them with open arms rather than fight vehemently against your current circumstance. This leaves you with energy to step into new situations with full force and a positive attitude, when you do that, things just start to manifest for you
  • You are more present, happier, and ultimately more productive! Your journey no longer feels like a chore, it becomes enriched, exciting, and joyful. The journey is no longer something you have to do, it’s something you get to do

 

I know some folks may read this post and say “That’s absolute bullshit, if you want to be the best, you need to be laser focused on the end result and not waste time on anything that doesn’t get you there.” Just yesterday I saw a post from an Instagram influencer where the caption read something like “Turn your blinders on to everything but your end goal.”

 

Maybe that approach works for you and if so, by all means continue – but this is why my perspective has shifted.

 

For the last 8 years, I’d consider myself a pretty purpose-driven individual. For me, my passion has been sharing health, well-being, and encouragement to others. To achieve this, I set a vision. I thought that I would need to be a well-known health and fitness coach if I was going to have any impact on people’s lives. So I got certified as personal trainer and yoga instructor and set out on my way. I started off by creating a small personal training company in college with a close friend, which we tried to scale to a web based business and failed. I was close to graduating college and had nothing to show for it – I felt ashamed and lost, what was I going to do now?

 

When received my offer from Deloitte Consulting, I was honestly not too pumped about it. I felt like this would take precious time away from my end goal but I took the job anyway thanks to some advice from a few good mentors. At first, my perspective didn’t really change, I wasn’t really happy because I wasn’t doing what I was “meant” to be doing. Consulting wasn’t my purpose, so how was I supposed to live it out at a place like Deloitte? I felt like I had to put my vision on hold. My thinking during that time constantly revolved around an “exit strategy” – what was the best way I could leave and get back on track.

 

Over time, I started to realize that it wasn’t that I couldn’t live out my vision at Deloitte, it’s that I wasn’t. I had been so focused on the role that I thought I needed to have to live out my vision that I became blind to the other paths. As this perspective shifted, I started to realize that there was an entire pool of people within my company who were looking to go deeper in their health and well-being but didn’t have the time or the resources. All of a sudden, doors began to open – I started leading group workouts and meditation sessions for colleagues inside and outside of the office. I got to use my consulting experience of public speaking and building presentations to deliver health and fitness concepts to a much broader audience in a more compelling way and most recently, I’ve been granted the opportunity to travel the world for 6 months collecting and sharing tips on health and well-being. It’s been at Deloitte, not even as a full time personal trainer, that I have been able to make the biggest impact on people’s health and well-being so far in my life.

 

Before I shifted my perspective, I rarely considered things outside my defined path and when I did, I couldn’t really enjoy them. For the last couple of years however, I’ve opened myself to the serendipity of life and am able to look at challenges and opportunities as productive detours that have the potential to take me beyond what I would have imagined on my own.

 

So to close, again, this doesn’t mean don’t set goals and forget your ambitions. No, being a lazy bum and sitting and waiting for things to happen wont do anything for you. Instead, stay productive but be open to detours along the way, cultivate a sense of faith that there is a deeper reason for your current circumstance, and allow yourself the time and space to explore what that may be.

 

 

Matt

 

P.S. If there are any challenges you’ve run into or any tips or tricks you employ when thinking about your vision, I’d love to hear your perspective.

 

P.P.S If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook or LinkedIn